If there is one thing I know to be true about any group of people—whether it’s a family, a workplace, or a church—it’s that conflict is inevitable. It’s simply a fact of life. Just the word itself can make us cringe. We think of raised voices, hurt feelings, sleepless nights, and the cold silence that can fill a room after a sharp disagreement.
Our natural instinct is often to run from conflict. We avoid the difficult conversation, we swallow our frustration, or we simply cut off the relationship to keep the “peace.” Others of us run toward it, armed for battle, determined to win the argument and prove our point. But what if God has a third way? What if conflict, as uncomfortable as it is, isn’t just an obstacle to be avoided but an opportunity to be embraced?
I like to think of it as “holy friction.”
Think about how a pearl is formed. A grain of sand, an irritant, gets inside an oyster. The oyster’s response is to coat this source of friction, layer by layer, with a substance called nacre. Over time, this process of covering the irritant creates something beautiful and precious.
In the same way, disagreements and misunderstandings can be irritants in our relationships. They are uncomfortable. But when we respond with God’s grace, layer by layer, something beautiful can be formed: deeper understanding, stronger trust, and a character that more closely reflects Christ.
So how do we engage in this “holy friction” in a way that honors God and builds up, rather than tears down? Here are three guiding principles from Scripture.
1. See it as “Us vs. the Problem,” not “Me vs. You.”
Our default posture in a conflict is defensive. We build walls to protect our position and gather stones to throw at the other person’s. But the Apostle Paul gives us a radical new perspective: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4).
Imagine if, at the start of a disagreement, we took a deep breath and prayed, “Lord, help me see this from their perspective. Help us tackle this problem together.” This shifts everything. It moves us from opponents on a battlefield to partners on the same team, working together to find a solution. The goal is no longer winning, but understanding and reconciliation.
2. Let Your Words Build, Not Demolish.
The book of Proverbs is filled with wisdom about the power of our words. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” In the heat of the moment, a harsh word feels so satisfying, doesn’t it? But it’s like throwing gasoline on a fire.
The call for Christians is to be builders. Ephesians 4:29 is our guide: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” Before you speak, ask yourself three simple questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?
Choosing gentleness isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of Spirit-led strength. It creates a safe space where real issues can be discussed without fear of attack.
3. Aim for Reconciliation, Not Just Resolution.
You can resolve a problem without ever healing a relationship. You can agree on a course of action and still walk away with a heart full of bitterness. Jesus raises the stakes. For Him, the relationship is paramount.
In Matthew 5:23-24, He says, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” Jesus places the urgency of reconciled relationships even above acts of worship. Why? Because our horizontal relationships with each other are a direct reflection of our vertical relationship with God.
The goal isn’t just to be right; it’s to be right with each other. This requires forgiveness, humility, and a deep-seated desire to restore the bond that was broken.
Conflict is never easy, but it doesn’t have to be destructive. It is a powerful tool in the hands of God to refine us, deepen our love for one another, and display the power of the Gospel to a watching world. Let’s not run from the holy friction. Let’s lean into it with grace, listen with humility, and allow God to create something beautiful from the irritation.
May the peace of Christ rule in your hearts and in your homes.
Blessings,
Pastor Lui